Young People and Relationships: Identifying Coercive Control
Relationships can be fun, exciting and sometimes challenging. It's important to know what behaviours are not okay in a healthy relationship, and how to look out for yourself and others.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is when someone uses patterns of abusive behaviour against another person. Over time this creates fear and takes away the person's freedom and independence.
It can involve physical and non-physical abuse and can occur in-person or online.
Coercive control can be used against anyone in any relationship, but is mostly used by men against women. It can also continue after a relationship has ended.
Many people who experience coercive control feel trapped and afraid. Their self-esteem and confidence may have been worn down, making it difficult to leave a relationship or get help.
Coercive control can be hard to spot because the abuse can be subtle or targeted. People experiencing coercive control may not realise that these behaviours are abuse.
People who use coercive control might try to convince you or others that what they are doing is a normal part of a relationship.
What are the signs?
Early in the relationship your partner may:
- Be overly affectionate, constantly flatter you, shower you with gifts or say "I love you" very early on
- Want to spend all of your time together and be in constant communication
This is sometimes called 'love bombing'
Over time they may start to:
- Control who you see, what you wear and where you go
- Closely monitor your social media or track your location Interrogate you about who you've been with
- Get jealous easily and accuse you of flirting or cheating on them
- Regularly criticise or put you down
- Pressure or force you to have sex or do sexual things
Your partner might:
- Take little or no responsibility, or blame you or other people, for their behaviour
- Have sudden mood swings, from sweet and loving to angry or violent
- Be nasty and abusive toward you, but polite and friendly with everyone else
- Be manipulative, for example by saying things like 'If you loved me you would...'
You might feel like:
- You are always walking on eggshells
- You have to ask permission to do anything
- You have to change your behaviour to avoid arguments
- It's difficult to disagree, say 'no' or set boundaries with your partner
Case Study: Maya and Jay
When Maya and Jay started dating, it seemed amazing. At school, he was always bringing her presents and giving her so much attention. He'd constantly say things like, "I can't stop thinking about you", and "I can't imagine my life without you". It did seem a bit over the top.
Lately, Jay has been wanting to know where Maya is all the time. One weekend, Maya and her friends were at a party and she posted a photo to her story. When Jay saw it he completely blew up, texting her things like "I told you to tell me when you go out", "why are you wearing that" and accusing her of cheating.
Jay's been pressuring Maya to send nudes. He told her that it wasn't a big deal and that she would if she really loved him. Maya doesn't want to, but she's scared he will get mad or break up with her.
Maya never hangs out with her old friends anymore because Jay doesn't like her seeing them. She used to be so confident, but now she's really quiet and withdrawn.
Jay's behaviour is an example of coercive control. There's no place for coercive control in a healthy relationship.
What can I do?
In an emergency, call 000.
If you think you or someone you know might be experiencing coercive control, reaching out for advice and support is a good first step.
For support contact:
1800RESPECT
Call 1800 737 732 (available 24/7)
Text 0458 737 732
Or use the online chat at 1800respect.org.au
Kids Helpline
1800 551 800 (available 24/7)
Men's Referral Service
1800 943 539
ntv.org.au/mrs
For more information about coercive control and the National Principles to Address Coercive Control in Family and Domestic Violence go to ag.gov.au/coercivecontrol