Understanding how coercive control can affect LGBTQIA+ people

These factsheets provide further information about coercive control and its impacts.

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is when someone uses patterns of abusive behaviour against another person. Over time this creates fear and takes away the person’s freedom and independence. This dynamic almost always underpins family and domestic violence.

Coercive control can be used against anyone. People can use coercive control against lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, intersex and asexual (LGBTQIA+) people. It is most commonly used by cisgender men.

Coercive control can happen in intimate partner relationships, even after they’ve ended. It can also happen in family relationships, including family of choice relationships.

Nobody has the right to control you, hurt you or make you live in fear.

Recognising the signs

Coercive control can be hard to spot because the abuse can be subtle and targeted. People experiencing coercive control may not realise they are being abused.

Coercive control can involve a range of different behaviours, including physical and non-physical abuse.

Some of the signs of coercive control against LGBTQIA+ people include someone:

• Pressuring you to follow gender norms, for example telling you to dress a certain way or stopping you from affirming your gender
• Controlling or threatening to reveal information about your healthcare, including gender-affirming healthcare, fertility treatment or other medication.
• Threatening to ‘out’ your gender, sexuality, intersex status or HIV status
• Controlling who you talk to or spend time with, including stopping or threatening to stop you from seeing your community or family
• Threatening to tell your community lies about you, or publicly embarrass you
• Pressuring you to have sex or do sexual things you don’t want to.

You might feel:

• Scared, ashamed or embarrassed to express your gender or sexuality
• Isolated and alone
• Like you are always ‘walking on eggshells’ or can’t say ‘no’.

Case study

Toby and James have been in a relationship for two years. Looking good is important to James, and he often makes comments about Toby’s weight or suggests he should change outfits because he looks ‘too fat’ or ‘too femme’. Over time, these comments have worn away at Toby’s confidence.

At the beginning of their relationship they were very social, and often spent time with friends, family and colleagues. However, over the course of their relationship, James has become increasingly jealous and possessive of Toby. When Toby makes plans without him, James gets into a bad mood and refuses to talk to Toby, or will constantly phone and message him wanting to know when he’ll come home.

The last time Toby went out for a drink with his work colleagues, James flew into a rage and accused Toby of being unfaithful. Toby has stopped going out because he’s scared of how James will react, but he misses his friends and colleagues.

Lately, James has started pressuring Toby to have sex with him, even when Toby doesn’t want to, and says they should stop using condoms. Toby doesn’t want to do this and told James he wanted to break up, but James threatened to tell Toby’s parents, who don’t know that he is gay, about their relationship if he ever tried to leave.

What can I do?

Everyone deserves to live free from family and domestic violence and elder abuse. If you think you or someone you know might be experiencing coercive control, contacting a confidential support service for advice is a good first step.

In an emergency, call 000.

For support contact:

1800RESPECT 
1800 737 732 (available 24/7) 
1800respect.org.au

Rainbow Sexual, Domestic and Family Violence Helpline
1800 497 212 (available 24/7)

Say It Out Loud
www.sayitoutloud.org.au

Men’s Referral Service
1800 943 539
mrs.org.au

For more information about coercive control and the National Principles to Address Coercive Control in Family and Domestic Violence on the Attorney-General's Department website.